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10 things I didn’t know, that I don’t know, which I still don’t know.

published on June 15th, 2013

The other day I posted a possible theme for a post – it was more of a sarcastic gesture.

10 things I didn’t know, that I don’t know, which I still don’t know.

 

Then I thought that the theme might be a fun one as there are many things I don’t know that I didn’t know. Truth is, it’s been a while since I felt like posting. Maybe it’s the moment I’m going through, but I don’t feel like posting just to fill a page. I want to write from the heart. I hope that in doing so I won’t offend anyone. This won’t be an all-in-one post. I will write as the inspiration comes. Feel free to comment, as I don’t know everything.

 

Number One

 

No matter how hard you try, your kids will never think you were a good parent.

I remember when I was twenty-two, just married and dreaming of a perfect future with the perfect family. My husband and I would spend hours talking about how we would bring up our kids – totally different from our parents – both being from unconventional families. Wow, how many hours I spent planning and wow what a waste of precious time. The marriage didn’t last and the oath never to tear our kids apart was only kept after a few years of hard battles and a lot of pride swallowing.

So my kids grew up and I think -I got through those tough and painful years. I kept things reasonably balanced, and gave my kids a better example than what I had growing up. I didn’t repeat my parents’ performance. My experience and belief reflected in my writing. The main characters, a mother and teen son, in my first YA novel, Souls of Darkness, were close. They supported each other and enjoyed being together. They dialogued to a point. When the novel first came out, many criticized that their relationship was not normal. I thought it was because I thought that’s what I had – a great relationship with my kids.

Oh, boy, how wrong I was.

And this is what follows – when they grow up:

One day, the now adults get mad at you because you’re not perfect, a claim you never made nor portrayed, and they proceed to throw years of their lives, practically all of them, in your face. A very long list actually. You sucked as a parent and never knew it. Gosh, and you made such an effort! Shock and awe. Your beautiful memories are no longer colored pictures, instead they are faded Polaroids, to painful to look at.

When I mention this to friends I hear the same answer – that’s how it is, we will always be blamed for everything that goes wrong in our children’s lives.

I didn’t know there was no way around that. Honestly, I thought I could be different. That I could change that stereotype of parenthood. I would not be my parents. How disappointing. The best years of my life, those I could have spent having SO MUCH fun, have now turned into a list of failures.

The worst is, I still don’t know how to be a good parent to my adult children. Hence this being at the top of my  – Top ten things I didn’t know that I still don’t know – post.

My TOP Five suggestions to new parents:

1 – Don’t plan for the perfect life.

2 – Live the moments and really cherish and enjoy your kids while they are too young to judge you.

3 – Continue to love them when they do start to judge you, even if it’s from a distance.

4 – Grow a thick skin.

5 – Accept that you will never be good enough for your children, even if you spend a fortune on years of therapy to try and fix whatever it is that you are doing, or did do wrong!!!!

 

My father was a very wise man and whenever he heard the infamous – I hate you, he would answer that parenting was not a popularity contest. Bless you Dad, you got that one right!

 

 

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  2. July 3, 2012 at 8:12 pmThis is off of a question I saw on YA. Hypothetically speaking… (I’m going to use a lot of different examples)Lets say… Your daughter/son had met this 18 year old male/female at a convention (lets say…Pokemon). While there, they just randomly started talking about pokemon (you know how sometimes you randomly strike up conversation with people) and from there they kind of just stuck with each other until the convention ended. They then exchange numbers/email/facebook…so they can continue chatting. And then, you notice that the 18 year old moves into your neighbor hood. Around where you live. Soon your son/daughter sees them at a local club (NOT the club as in the club where you go dancing and drinking and all that…I mean club as in a club where you just hang out and do age appreciate things.) at the local libary…And then lets say… you also notice that the same 18 year old takes the same karate class your child does. Now, after spending so much time together from just doing different things (I.e conventions, clubs, etc.) for over lets say…6 months and they start liking each other as more then friends. How would you feel if your 13 year old son/daughter said that they started likeing their 18 year old friend as more then a friend? And what would you say/do? In this situation please keep in mind: – They both seem to like karate, pokemon, and hanging out at the libary. – The 18 year old is a reasonably good person. – Both of them just enjoy doing all of the “child” stuff. You know playing games, laughing, jokes, etc. The 18 year old just seems like they still want to have what child like fun they can have. – And both are very good friends considering they origionally met at a Pokemon convention. – You know where the 18 year old’s mind is. (Meaning they arnt into all of the drinking, parting etc.) – If you allow them to have a relationship, the 18 year old will respect the boundries, limits, etc. (meaning they wont push the boundries, etc.) – If you allow them to have a relationship, it doesnt go far. (meaning probably only the occassional kiss. Probably not even that. So you shouldnt worry about sex in this situation.)Now that that situaion is done… Hypothetically in this situation what would you do? Your 13 year old son/daughter somehow met a 18 year old male/female. No one knows how they met and they instantly just start a relationship. They start having sex, etc. and do not tell anyone. How would you feel if you where in this situation? Please keep in mind: – No one knows how they met in the first place – They are already having sex – You have no idea where the 18 year old’s mind is.Thats all And here is a bonas two… Lets say your 13 year old daughter was having sex wtih an 18 year old male and he noticed cuts, bruises, burn marks, all over her body and instantly stopped her and asked her if she could hold off on the sex. How would you feel if the male told you about it? Which would you be more upset about, the sex, or the self harm/abuse? (I would personally be more upset with the self harm/abuse… I can deal with the sex another time but the self harm/abuse is a serious problem… I would probably thank the 18 year old for atleast telling me about it… Won’t be all that happy they where having sex but that I can deal with another time.) [Also, keep in mind the sex was consentual. And you already knew about their relationship and that your daughter was not pressured into doing anything] And how would this change is the genders where reversed? And would it change if the genders where reversed?Also, lets say the abuse was from bullying. Lets say some kids would beat up, cut, burn, intimatate your child etc. and they told them not to tell anyone or else it would get worse.How would you feel if your child was self-harming/being bullied and only told their 18 year old boyfriend/girlfriend and the 18 year old boyfriend/girlfriend told you about it. How would you feel about them having an 18 year old boyfriend/girlfriend? The bulling/self harm? Which would you be more concerned with? (Personally once again the bulling/self harm…I can deal with the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff some other time.) Thanks for all of the answers everyone. I’m not in this situation, I don’t even know any 18 year olds… But if I was put into the 13 year olds positition (which I am 13) it really would not go beyond friends…

  3. people please murder your children? Once again I don't remember writing that in the least bit, yet another example of you arguing against a point I didn't say or make. Pro-choice doesn’t mean advocating abortion, pro-abortion means advocating abortion.2) The distinction you give for pro-choicers and pro-abortions is a distinction without a difference. Pro-abortionists argue the same thing you do.I didn't realize pro-abortionist argued to reduce abortion by bringing people to Christ, or by supporting the church, or pro-life services. Jesus set an example of how we are to change hearts. He did not do it through laws, but through personal relationships and encounters. But I guess we will ignore those parts of the bible, right?3) “Drugs are not acts of murders in of themselves. And I am not even the war on drugs by the way.” (Tran)Abuse of drugs is a sin. Drugs lead to the destruction on families, lead to death and crime, and are immoral. The point is that we have laws that set a moral standard that we don't enforce or can't enforce. If we say abortion is illegal, and tell people it's wrong, how are you going to enforce it? How is simply saying it's illegal or wrong, going to end the practice? How is it going to save the potential lives of the fetus? The law on drugs is so ineffective that people are now advocating legalizing drugs? What measures are taken to make sure that doesn’t happen if there is anti-abortion law? How are you going to regulate a “miscarriage” from an “abortion”, and how are you going to enter private homes to see if “abortion” practices are taking place? A woman will have to literally be caught in the act to enforce it? I’m not against making abortion illegal; I just don’t understand how it will change the status quo. I think a better fight would be ending government money toward organizations that support abortion. The point of making abortion illegal is not just to make a moral stand, because the large majority of people who receive abortions already feel it's immoral, the point of making abortion illegal is to prevent them in the first place. My example of drugs was not to compare abortion to drug use, it was to compare laws that are ineffective and don't deter the actual crime. But something tells me you already knew that…3) Having laws when done right also show us the difference between right and wrong.Knowing God and loving God shows us the difference between right and wrong; especially if the laws aren't enforced. “Laws for the sake of laws” is the same thing as lawlessness; if there isn’t any enforcement. You have to possess a higher standard of morality. For example, alcohol is legal, but that doesn't mean as Christian you should get drunk, you are still bound by God's words. Cohabitation is legal, but as a Christian that doesn't mean you should fornicate or shack with your lover. Having children out of wedlock is also legal, but is that the Christian standard? Are you advocating we create laws to end these practices, as well? A sin is a sin, right? If I'm not misunderstanding you, all laws should reflect God's will, right? Or just laws against abortion and homosexuals? Not sure how you pick and choose which sin to battle legally. No matter the law, you are still bound by God’s authority, and when a law is contrary to God’s authority, you have a Christian duty to abstain.

  4. , deal with my point that you have not dealt with while simply going on the same argument you made while ignoring my rebuttal to that.The rebuttal you ignore, to repeat yourself is this: we have laws against murder, but having those laws do not stop people from killing each other. So using your own logic, does that mean we should not have those laws? That is where your point falls apart, and you completely danced around that point I made, either because you can't or probably more likely you completely missed my point made in the post you responded to.I am not for laws that have a biblical mandated society where violations of any moral law of God gets one punished with jail or whatever. I am still for freedom of religion. I think the founders took it way too far with trying to set up a Christian moral based society."The law on drugs is so ineffective that people are now advocating legalizing drugs? What measures are taken to make sure that doesn’t happen if there is anti-abortion law? How are you going to regulate a “miscarriage” from an “abortion”, and how are you going to enter private homes to see if “abortion” practices are taking place?"How are we going to enter homes to prevent spousal abuse? Or prevent child abuse? Or prevent murder done privately in the home? Or see if a child has been kidnapped and held for decades in that home?Remember your point is if we cannot enforce laws then what's the point of having them.I simply applied your point to the other issues. Deal with that."A woman will have to literally be caught in the act to enforce it? I’m not against making abortion illegal; I just don’t understand how it will change the status quo. I think a better fight would be ending government money toward organizations that support abortion."And what pro-lifer disagree with you on ending government money towards organizations that support abortion? And before you get so defensive again, no, I did NOT say you claim they disagree with you there."The point of making abortion illegal is not just to make a moral stand, because the large majority of people who receive abortions already feel it's immoral, the point of making abortion illegal is to prevent them in the first place."Then, you are wrong there. No laws can prevent crimes from ever being committed. They serve to set a standard in society what we can and cannot do without suffering consequences for our actions, in paying out debt to society and those who committed our crimes against. It puts a stigma to those who commit these things so others will not want to do them. But there will always be folks who break laws. Man's nature will never be changed by ANY law.That does not mean there should be no laws. Who was it that wrote through the law we become aware of sin?Yes, man's law is not necessarily God's law. But it can still be used as a good teacher very much like God's law to show us the limitations of what is accepted as norm in society's view of right and wrong."My example of drugs was not to compare abortion to drug use, it was to compare laws that are ineffective and don't deter the actual crime. But something tells me you already knew that…"

  5. June 29, 2012 at 11:30 amThis is off of a question I saw on YA. Hypothetically speaking… (I’m going to use a lot of different examples)Lets say… Your daughter/son had met this 18 year old male/female at a convention (lets say…Pokemon). While there, they just randomly started talking about pokemon (you know how sometimes you randomly strike up conversation with people) and from there they kind of just stuck with each other until the convention ended. They then exchange numbers/email/facebook…so they can continue chatting. And then, you notice that the 18 year old moves into your neighbor hood. Around where you live. Soon your son/daughter sees them at a local club (NOT the club as in the club where you go dancing and drinking and all that…I mean club as in a club where you just hang out and do age appreciate things.) at the local libary…And then lets say… you also notice that the same 18 year old takes the same karate class your child does. Now, after spending so much time together from just doing different things (I.e conventions, clubs, etc.) for over lets say…6 months and they start liking each other as more then friends. How would you feel if your 13 year old son/daughter said that they started likeing their 18 year old friend as more then a friend? And what would you say/do? In this situation please keep in mind: – They both seem to like karate, pokemon, and hanging out at the libary. – The 18 year old is a reasonably good person. – Both of them just enjoy doing all of the “child” stuff. You know playing games, laughing, jokes, etc. The 18 year old just seems like they still want to have what child like fun they can have. – And both are very good friends considering they origionally met at a Pokemon convention. – You know where the 18 year old’s mind is. (Meaning they arnt into all of the drinking, parting etc.) – If you allow them to have a relationship, the 18 year old will respect the boundries, limits, etc. (meaning they wont push the boundries, etc.) – If you allow them to have a relationship, it doesnt go far. (meaning probably only the occassional kiss. Probably not even that. So you shouldnt worry about sex in this situation.)Now that that situaion is done… Hypothetically in this situation what would you do? Your 13 year old son/daughter somehow met a 18 year old male/female. No one knows how they met and they instantly just start a relationship. They start having sex, etc. and do not tell anyone. How would you feel if you where in this situation? Please keep in mind: – No one knows how they met in the first place – They are already having sex – You have no idea where the 18 year old’s mind is.Thats all And here is a bonas two… Lets say your 13 year old daughter was having sex wtih an 18 year old male and he noticed cuts, bruises, burn marks, all over her body and instantly stopped her and asked her if she could hold off on the sex. How would you feel if the male told you about it? Which would you be more upset about, the sex, or the self harm/abuse? (I would personally be more upset with the self harm/abuse… I can deal with the sex another time but the self harm/abuse is a serious problem… I would probably thank the 18 year old for atleast telling me about it… Won’t be all that happy they where having sex but that I can deal with another time.) [Also, keep in mind the sex was consentual. And you already knew about their relationship and that your daughter was not pressured into doing anything] And how would this change is the genders where reversed? And would it change if the genders where reversed?Also, lets say the abuse was from bullying. Lets say some kids would beat up, cut, burn, intimatate your child etc. and they told them not to tell anyone or else it would get worse.How would you feel if your child was self-harming/being bullied and only told their 18 year old boyfriend/girlfriend and the 18 year old boyfriend/girlfriend told you about it. How would you feel about them having an 18 year old boyfriend/girlfriend? The bulling/self harm? Which would you be more concerned with? (Personally once again the bulling/self harm…I can deal with the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff some other time.) Thanks for all of the answers everyone. I’m not in this situation, I don’t even know any 18 year olds… But if I was put into the 13 year olds positition (which I am 13) it really would not go beyond friends…

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